Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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