Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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