highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
