If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
