My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
