I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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