We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
