I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
