At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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