thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
