So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
