It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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