My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
