I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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