no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
