Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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