You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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