This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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