i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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