no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
