his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
