I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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