after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
