Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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