Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
