Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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