my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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