Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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