We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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