dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
