im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
