From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
the liver wants what the liver wants
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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