u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
