you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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