i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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