I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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