Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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