There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
