sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize