just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
