I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
