Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
