Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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