I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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