sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
did you just send me my own nude
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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