If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
