So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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