I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
