The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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