I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
