Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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