my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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