my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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