I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
