the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
