having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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