I'm jealous of your bromance
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
